A Mother's Memory of Petertide

The ethereal voices of a girls' choir begin to sing Veni Sanctus Spiritus. Eleven solemn ordinands, clothed in black and white, their diaconal stoles a slash of red, kneel with heads bowed in a semicircle around their bishop. The beauty of the music somehow amplifies the profound stillness of the holy moment. I wait. I wait for the Bishop to lay hands on me and ordain me as priest.

Suddenly the peace is torn by the wailing of a small child - and I am torn too. I know, with a peculiar maternal certainty, that of all the small people in the cathedral this evening, that particular wail belongs to my four-year-old daughter, Emma.

MUUUMMEEE! It is amazing how much focus you can give to two things at once. As I watch intently, my fellow curates walk forward and kneel before the bishop, and my heart is full of pride and joy at the wonder of these friends offering themselves to God and God's world. Yet another part of me is monitoring a very different situation:

The wail has abated. Someone is soothing, cuddling, cajoling - will it work? But no, the wail resumes with increased vigour. What do I do? She needs me, wants me, but of all the times in my life, I cannot go now.

My husband will cope.

My husband will cope.

And sure enough, the cries soften - Will scoops up Emma, carries her away from the ministrations of anxious grandparents and aunts, distracts her with all a Daddy's wiles.

And it's my turn to go forward...

After the service, Emma greets me with a reproof. "I don't want you to be a priest, Mummy. Why do you have to be a priest?" We are walking hand in hand down the stairs to collect my belongings from the cathedral chapter house. I am exhilarated and exhausted and in no way capable of understanding her questions at first.
"Jesus asked me to be a priest, darling."
"But why did Jesus ask you to be a priest. I don't want you to be a priest!" - is her robust reply.
The conversation circles for a few minutes more, and I am at a loss. The emotion of the day catches up with me, and I am weary, vulnerable, close to tears; childishly resentful of my daughter's complaint; desperate for someone wise to rescue us. But there is only me, and Emma needs me. And then, I get it.

I gather my little girl in my arms and tell her seriously:

"Emma, Jesus wants me to be a priest, but I am still your Mummy. I'll always be your Mummy. Nothing will change that."

And the questions are at an end - Emma is satisfied.